Sunday, February 13, 2011

love moves you in the most unexpected ways.

i think it's interesting that love moves you 
in ways that you may not expect. 
i've been in love for over 24 years.
comfortable. content. committed. 
the luckiest girl. married to the love of my life.
a heart so full of love and happiness.
not something i really thought about too much. 
certainly not something i ever worried about.
sure of one thing and one thing only. 
this love was forever.

then suddenly, without much warning, 
unsettling thoughts.
change. fear. instability. loss. 
fear of the unknown. fear of change.

where did these unexpected feelings come from? 

while totally self-imposed, 
i find myself completely immersed in a fight to hold 
onto something that i can't imagine losing. 
and while, these thoughts of loss are all in my head, 
they are still very real thoughts. 
what if these life changes, change us? 

what if i have been too comfortable. too sure. 
too carefree. what if change changes 
the things i don't want to change.

lots of changes are happening in my life.
these changes are very positive and exactly 
what we, as a couple, have been dreaming of for many years. 
it's what we wanted. 
what we've talked about. what we've worked so hard for.
a different way of life. 
these changes are everything i have supported, cheered for, 
prayed for and wanted for us.
so why do these changes scare me so much? 

change is supposed to be good, right?

within two weeks, my life has taken a turn. 
i am at a crossroads. i am faced with a new direction. 
a new way to be. to feel. to behave. 
i  feel excited that these changes are about to take place. 
 i also feel threatened by them. my life is about to change.
it seems like an easy choice. 
of course, to feel excited rather than threatened.
it is the only choice. for me, it is a work in progress. 
a new place to be. 
something i never imagined. 
something i didn't expect.
something i didn't realize was going to be life changing.
something i didn't know was going to touch my heart so deeply.

so, with valentine's day here, i find myself 
completely, totally in love. 
the kind of love that throws you for a loop. 
the kind you feel when you first fall in love.
the kind that fills your heart and every thought, 
the kind that grows and feels sooo comfortable, 
the kind of love that sits heavy on your chest 
and makes you feel connected.
and then when you least expect it, 
feels new.

i'm going to roll with these changes. 
hold in my heart the visions of our dreams
of a forever life shared together.

i'm going to pray. i'm going to support. 
i'm going to show my love. i'm going to listen. 
i'm going to grow. i'm going to grow up!
i'm going to learn life lessons of love and change.
i am not going to fear.

i am going to live in love.
* * *
update ::
forever a believer in 'signs'...
after a walk on the beach
and a pizza dinner together with our son tonight,
we walked outside and saw this on a bench.
just about sums this post up, i think.

a few things i know for sure at this moment
love endures.
in order to change my life, i must first change my thoughts 
(it's that 'mind over matter' thing).
and above all,
i am crazy, crazy, crazy in love with this guy! 
i can't help it 
sometimes love makes you a little crazy.